Daily Poll/Archive/Remaining 2008
November 14, 2008 * Dr. Colbert has offered his services in the Obama Administration, specifically mentioning three posts he feels he would be able to fill immediately. Dr. Colbert even offered his still-attached middle finger to Obama's Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel. Of the three mentioned on the November 13, 2008 episode, which cabinet position should Obama offer Stephen? Secretary of Defense Secretary of the Interior White House dog October 13, 2008 *Points: Krugman Wins 2008 Nobel Prize in Economics, Media Votes for McCain *Truths: Paul Krugman, New York Times, John McCain, George W. Bush, Jesus Who won the 2008 Nobel Prize in Economics? Paul Krugman, a liberal economist and journalist for the New York Times. Jesus for the 2008th year in a row. George W. Bush for protecting us from the financial terrorist threat. John McCain for suspending his campaign. August 26, 2005 *Points: 3 Dumbest Conservative Iraq Predictions, FOX Supporters Gather in Denver *Truths: Democrats, Denver, Colorado, FOX, FOX News, conservative What was the real reason Stephen has a hoarse throat? He had to shout at an entire stadium of Democrats in Denver. Somebody fed him organic food that wasn't microwaved for an hour. He got into a week long argument in China with President Bush over which conservative reporter made the smartest Iraq predictions. He was part of the FOX supporter group enthusiastically cheering for FOX. August 24, 2008 *Points: Growing Giant Glacier Crack Worries Scientists *Truths: Global Warming, scientists, North Pole, Joseph Biden, Al Qaeda, Osama, Santa, Halliburton, Republicans What is the most realistic explanation for the "giant" glacier crack found further north than ever before? Halliburton offshore oil drilling. Obama and Biden's VP selection party was held there. Al Qaeda terrorists have dug a whole in Osama's cave through the Earth so they can chop Santa's head off. Elves are preparing early presents for the Republican National Convention and Santa needs lots of space to get them all through. August 23, 2008 *Points: Biden Puts Obama Over the Top *Truths: Joseph Biden, Democrat, Vice President, Obama bin Laden Have you bought your Obama Hiden shirt yet? Yes. No. I'm waiting for the Obama bin Biden t-shirt. Instead, I paid a Mexican 50 cents per school and library to spray paint Obama bin Hiden on them. August 21, 2008 *Points: McCain & staff can't Remember How Many Mansions he Owns, Map of McCain's 10 Family Homes *Truths: John McCain, Rupert Murdoch, News Corp., The Liberal Media, haters, reporters, lobbyists Why does The Liberal Media hate McCain for being a successful American? Because he can't remember how rich he is. Because they don't have staff to count their homes. Because lobbyists don't buy homes for them and their family. Because it takes away from their quality reporting time guessing who Obama is taking calls from and putting on his short list for VP. August 19, 2008 *Truths: Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report, Our Glorious Stephen, Shouting Heads How have you been coping with The Colbert Report's 1 week break? Exercising and helping local Democratic candidates get elected. Siting and staring at the TV, waiting for Stephen to come back. Staring at the bigfoot video. Shouting at peace & impeachment protesters to support our troops. August 13, 2008 *Points: White, Truck Drive'n Male Shoots & kills Dem Leader *Truths: Bill Gwatney, Democrat, guns, Bob Novak, Arkansas, Hillary Clinton, Thatchers, Canton What have we learned from the tragic murder of Bill Gwatney by a white truck drive'n man? The only good Democrat is a dead Democrat. Hillary didn't have the Thatchers to stay in Arkansas. The killer wasn't as smart as Bob Novak to fake brain cancer after not noticing he had driven his truck through the Democrat's office. Democrats would live if they all moved to Canton. August 12, 2008 *Points: Georgia Oil Pipeline Completion Signals Great Power Rivalry in Central Asia *Truths: Russia, Georgia, China, Operation Iraqi Freedom, oil, gas, Olympics What makes the Russian invasion of Georgia a great Olympic event? It's easy to transport reporters from China there on the trans-Siberian railroad. They have the Olympic technology nearby to time how long it takes to sell Georgia's oil to China. A new world record in oil prices could be set! It shows how much better the USA's liberators are than Russia's. August 11, 2008 *Points: If We Drill in the U.S., We Don't Get the Oil *Truths: oil, gas, Exxon, China, Halliburton, The Greatest Vice President EVER!, American, Mexican What makes offshore drilling the key to America's bright future? It takes care of our immediate gas needs 10-20 years from now. It provides more gas to grow the China economy. It increases the value of 401k, IRA, and Vice Presidential retirement investments in oil stocks. It uses American-made Halliburton technology operated by $1/hour Mexicans. August 6, 2008 *Points: America's Richest Will Pay More Taxes Under Obama *Truths: Obama, taxes, rich, McCain, Ronald Reagan, shill, Wall Street Journal Why does Obama hate the most successful Americans? Because Ronald Reagan would have taxed them more. Because all elitists hate the richest 1%. Because he can't afford any of John McCain's 8 homes. Because they don't pay the Wall Street Journal editors to write glowing articles about him. August 5, 2008 *Points: Lieberman is a Republican Party Hack *Truths: Joementum, Joe Lieberman, Andrew Sullivan, John McCain, Vice President, Republican, Democrat, Al Gore Friend of the show Andrew Sullivan lowered himself to using words to call Joe Lieberman names. How should Stephen punish Sullivan: By nailing him on live TV. Having him support Lieberman as McCain's VP. Writing an article that reveals Al Gore sabotaged the 2000 Florida election because he didn't want Lieberman to be VP. Force him to take Lieberman's place as McCain's sunscreen. August 4, 2008 *Points: Another Biggest Price Jump, Inflation Surge, Wholsale Inflation Worst in 27 Years *Truths: inflation, The Surge, Starbucks, Venezuela, oil, gas, Republican, Taxes, offshore drilling What do the ongoing price jumps really tell us? The surge is working! Venezuela is overcharging Starbucks for coffee. The Republicans were right to demand offshore drilling instead of price limits or oil reserves that will cause oil companies to suffer non-record profits. That taxes on the top 10% are so high that they had to raise prices just to avoid losing money. August 3, 2008 *Points: Judge Approves Attempted Citizen's Arrest of Rove, Lieberman-McCain - Whisper-gate, If Church Worker, Then Murderer, Shoot Churches to Kill Liberals *Truths: Church, Karl Rove, Joe Lieberman, Canton, Exxon Last week was rough. What good things happened that you focused on during church so you didn't start shooting those based in your faith? Karl Rove having Iowan terrorists arrested. Joe Lieberman helping McCain remember facts. Your trips through cities not named Canton. Exxon setting the new profit record for an American company. August 1, 2008 *Points: Karl Rove Cited for Contempt, The Executive Privilege to Fire Liberal Attorneys *Truths: Karl Rove, Executive Privilege, Congress, John D. Bates, Abu Ghraib, No Child Left Behind, Margaret Spellings What assistance, help, and resources should the judge who ruled against executive privilege be given? A wrist strong bracelet and a Colbert bump. The resources and opportunity to apply for new jobs by releasing him. Extra help to research cutting edge judicial methods with a 6-month tour Abu Ghraib. Federal money to proof No Judge Left Behind documents so the Secretary of Education doesn't have to waste her time reading. July 31, 2008 *Points: Bush Forced to stop Nursing Rove and Miers on Executive's teet *Truths: Crosby, Stills and Nash, Hate America Firsters, Stephen and the Colberts, children, parents, Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, Harriet Miers Why did our glorious Stephen lower himself to singing Teach Your Children with hate America firsters Crosby, Stills & Nash? He got to wear a cowboy hat like Dick Cheney. They agreed to redact Crosby's microphone. It was their audition to join Stephen & the Colberts. The song teaches the most important parentive privilege: "Don't you ever ask them why". July 30, 2008 *Truths: Geraldo Rivera, Stephen Colbert, mustache, Bill O'Reilly Should Stephen grow a mustache? Yes. No. Only if he grows one over each nipple too. Only if it doesn't make him Bill O'Reilly's Geraldo. July 29, 2008 *Points: Ted Stevens Indicted for Corruption, IRS & FBI Probe Stevens for Corruption *Truths: Ted Stevens, oil, gas, The Internets, tubes, Alaska, VECO Have the Internets corrupted Ted Stevens tubes? Yes, it's part of The Google's conspiracy to own the Alaskan tubelines. No, they are older than even McCain and Novak's tubes. It proves America needs oil & gas pipelines to Alaska. Ted is innocent because he had previously announced that he removed the Senate ban on oil-assisted home building. July 28, 2008 *Points: Media Treats McCain Better than Obama, Novak Hits Homeless Bumb and Runs *Truths: The Liberal Media, John McCain, Robert Novak Why does The Liberal Media hate McCain? Because he hearts Robert Novak. Because he's not gay. Because he doesn't have cancer or a brain tumor. Because he supports the troops by guaranteeing their jobs for 100 more years.